When I first became a stepfather my stepkids were already teenagers. It was extremely difficult to come into the family and be a parent—giving directives, setting limits, enforcing rules—until their mother gave me explicit authority to do so.
I’ve found that this permission is essential to make the relationship work. I can’t say that it worked perfectly, far from it—but it really helped. I wonder if it might have been a bit different if the kids were younger when I married their Mom. What are your experiences? I’d love to hear from you.
Dr Rick
I got married 2 years ago to my husband. His daughter lives with us along with my daughter from my first marriage. They're pretty close in age (around 6) and it's true. We had to sit down with both of them to clarify our roles and authority in their lives. Things are going smoother than I thought they would. It's so neat having this whole new family that works.
ReplyDeleteLaura in Delray Beach, FL
Laura:
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. I'm happy to hear that your experience with your new family is off to a good start. It's important to be clear with directives, but don't forget to be generous with positives to your children as well. They're being so close in age can create some rivalry, but can also cultivate a strong, loving bond. Good luck!
Dr. Rick
Dr Rick:
ReplyDeleteI agree about getting explicit authority from the biological parent. My parenting of my step-
children is undermined all the time
because that permission has not occurred yet. I hope I can get my wife to read this blog and see I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Paul
I agree that it is important to be on the same page when it comes to discipline but coming from the other side of things, being the mom that brings the kids into the step situation I want to say how difficult it is to give up the authority that has always been strictly yours and how hard it is when you don't always to agree with the opinions of the new comer to the family. It takes hard work, lots of communication and dedication by all of the parties involved. In the end it can be done and is worth the effort.
ReplyDelete