I’ve spoken with several people lately about being in a stepfamily and how they identify themselves and other family members. I’ve found some mixed reactions, but one that has me at least a little bit surprised is the number of people that go out of their way to not identify themselves as being part of a stepfamily. One friend of mine told me that his daughter (really his stepdaughter) would be offended if he called her (or certainly thought of her) as his “step”-daughter. Others have echoed this sentiment. I’ve found, although it’s not scientific or absolute, that dependent upon when a stepparent enters the picture and/or the involvement and presence of the noncustodial parent, the stepparent may take on the more traditional parenting role and hence, the concept of “step” is moot. My aforementioned friend has been the stepfather for more than 20 years (he married the biological mother when his stepdaughter was 4 years old). The biological father has never had a stable relationship with his daughter, and so my friend the stepfather, for all intents and purposes, has been the “father” for many years. I’m curious to know your experience with, and thoughts about this concept. Are you in a stepfamily, but identify your stepparent, stepchildren, and stepsiblings as if they are not “step” at all? Please let me know. As usual, I want to stay in step with you!
Dr. Rick
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Is “Step” A Dirty Word?
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I refer to my step-mother as my "bonus mom," and I just call my step-siblings my brothers and sisters, unless the situation calls for clarification, in which case I'll say, "bonus sister," and if the person I'm speaking with still doesn't get it, I'll say, "my step-sister."
ReplyDeleteI think step has a lot of negative connotations, so I avoid it as much as I can.
Sometimes, though, it's necessary to clarify.
I have a theory - the more hyphens it takes to describe a relationship, the more complicated it is... Don't even get me started about my ex-step-father-in-law. He's exceeded his hyphen quotient by at least 30%. And he and my mother-in-law (his ex-wife) are dating again. There isn't even a word for that, so we just call him "Ken."
(Found your post via the Blogher Sidebar, by the way).